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I tossed and turned, dreaming one thing after another all night long until I couldn't stand it any more and finally got up. The clock said it was nearing 4:30. Even my coffee wouldn't have started up yet. I padded downstairs to the coffee pot and switched it from timer to on, then sat staring at it as it slowly dripped into the single cup I had placed where the coffee pot normally would have been.That first cup was extremely strong, but I needed it to help calm my nerves. Suddenly I had reservations about doing this. I began to contemplate the most ridicules and abstract thoughts imaginable. Would I 'perform' to everyone's mutual satisfaction? Would I embarrass myself, and in doing so, embarrass and disappoint Maggie? Would I offend or step out of line by inadvertently saying or doing something I wasn't supposed to do, or worse... offend someone else by not doing something I was expected to have done?For the next hour I continued to fret and worry over it until I had almost talked. That he generally thought that becoming the woman of mydreams would give me that happiness.He told me that he was frustrated that I wasn't happy, and that he feltthat the only thing standing between me and true happiness was him. Heeven said that he still believed that and that I was free to go and dowhatever I wanted. If I wanted to leave him, he would consider it adivorce and give me not only half of his assets, but an alimony payment. If I wanted to turn him into the authorities and put him into prison forthe rest of his life, that he wouldn't stop me. That he would admit toeverything he had done. But above all else, he wanted me to be happy.I had cried many times since that fateful night. I had shed tears ofanger, frustration, embarrassment, sadness, humiliation, and desperation. But that was the first time that I had cried from relief. I saw nohesitation in Calvin's eyes and knew that he was telling the truth... thatI was free. It made me realize that what was holding.
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